The number of men in the United States who are full-time, stay-at-home parents has risen steadily in recent decades, from maybe a million or so in 1984, according to a Pew Research Center estimate, to roughly double that in 2014.
That’s still much smaller than the number of stay-at-home moms, of course, and many of the challenges these dads face are universal to parenting.
“It’s a tough job,” says Ben Sanders, who’s raising two young boys in Haymarket, Va. His kids are 3 ½ and 6 ½ years old. “There are no breaks. It’s 24/7. There’s no vacation. You can’t get sick.”
The amount of work entailed “is crazy,” Sanders says. “You’re on your feet constantly, you know — shopping, laundry, errands [and] running kids here and there. It’s very hands-on. It’s very demanding. I’ve lost over 50 pounds, just being a stay-at-home parent.”
And adding to the crazy stress of child rearing, he says, there’s this: Some people still aren’t comfortable with a man being the caregiver full-time.
Lining up play dates for his kids, for example, can be awkward. Initially Sanders signed up for a mom’s group in his neighborhood, but didn’t feel completely welcome there. He tries to shrug it off.
“It’s like being in sales,” says Sanders, who used to work as a regional sales manager for a solar energy company. “People say ‘no’ all the time. If you’re in sales you can’t have a fear of rejection, you know? You ask enough stay-at-home moms if they want to have a play date, and maybe one or two out of 10 will says ‘Yeah, let’s do it.’ ”
Researchers who study stay-at-home parents say that difficulty in making social connections seems to be one of the biggest obstacles dads face. In many parts of the country there are so few men doing this that they have a tough time finding each other.
Reaching out to nearby moms isn’t always an option; stay-at-home moms often feel more comfortable hanging out with other women. And some working fathers frown on other men socializing with their wives when they’re away.
“There are people who don’t understand,” Sanders says.
His wife, Nicole, who has a high-pressure job with a large defense contractor near Washington, D.C., is grateful to her husband.
“I don’t think I could do my job if he weren’t at home,” she says. “I travel a lot. My schedule is very erratic and unpredictable.”
Knowing that there is always someone covering the homefront allows her to be very flexible in her work hours, she says. “And that’s kind of the nature of what I do.”
After their first child was born, the Sanders both continued to work full time. Ben was on the road Monday through Thursday, and the couple hired a pair of nannies, who worked in shifts to help bridge the gaps. “They switched off every 12 hours,” Ben says. To read more from Jason Beaubien, click here.