As a parent, did you ever push your child in ways you now regret – or not push enough? Or when you were a child, did you ever feel pushed too hard or not enough?
These were the questions we posed to you, our audience, at the conclusion of our story highlighting a troubling situation in Ghana: Parents in the capital city of Accra are putting their kids in strict, academically focused preschools at ever younger ages – but tests suggest most kids aren’t actually learning much. And when the government tried an experimental training program to get teachers to shift from call-and-response drills to a play-based approach, the results were hugely promising — until the moms and dads started getting involved. The researchers say the parents’ anxious inquiries about their children’s progress may have caused teachers to revert to the stricter, but less effective style.
All of which points to a dilemma of parenting: Sometimes a parent’s determination to give a child the best possible start becomes the very thing that gets in the way.
How has this challenge played out in the lives of NPR’s audience? Your answers ran the gamut. A mother of four regrets pushing her older two children — but found her footing with the youngest two. A former foster child explains why his grandparents’ no-excuses attitude proved his salvation. An Indian immigrant mother recounts that in her family each successive generation of parents has reversed the approach of the one before – swinging like a pendulum between pushy and relaxed.
Herewith a selection of responses, edited for length and clarity – and with some names withheld at the writer’s request to protect their family’s privacy.
“You don’t want to be a doctor? Then become an engineer. Done!”
As a young girl growing up in India my parents expected me to become a doctor. Once in middle school, I confessed that I didn’t like biology and that I would hate to be a doctor because I would have to perform surgeries. Their response: “You don’t want to be a doctor? Then become an engineer. Done!” My parents never considered that I just might want to be something else. “Oh no!” they would say. “Everything else is a risk.” So I became an engineer and I loathed it. The minute I went abroad, I switched fields. Now, I work in global health. I earn little but I am content. And I have a peppy daughter who is in preschool and is awash with possibilities. My partner and I let her dream about what she could become — not the other way around.
“I wish my parents could have seen what [my brother] was good at.”
I grew up as a second generation Chinese American, the first of four kids. When I was young, my mother drilled me in spelling and math and helped me with my homework. But after elementary school I never received any pressure or help. My parents were too busy with the younger three. I excelled in school nonetheless because I genuinely enjoyed learning. Meanwhile my parents pushed my brother hard because he was the first son in the family and did not do well academically. I wish my parents could have seen what he was good at (working with his hands) and encouraged him to try different routes besides the academic path. I have a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old now. I just want to instill in them a love of learning because that’s something they can carry with them for the rest of their lives. To read more from from NURITH AIZENMAN, click here.